It’s been a very long time since I’ve written a real blog post, one in which I share more than a few words, a bit of poetry, or a new painting. I’m in the midst of giving birth to a realization that has been slow to form, but here it is: I cannot be more in the world unless I begin being more of myself in the world. Thus far, I’ve held back from sharing my whole self, my authentic self, thinking that I could just get by with sharing parts of myself, carefully controlled and doled out bit by bit. I’ve been asking you, my readers, to read between the lines. To recognize that I have a story to tell, even if I am not sharing it with you openly.
When I first became aware of this need to be all of me, it kind of sucked. To be honest, my heart dropped into my stomach at the thought. I’ve been sitting with it for a few weeks, letting the dust settle so I can see clearly. Over the past few months, I’ve been feeling called to do more writing. I’ve got ideas struggling to get out of my brain and onto the page, personal essay-style, but the topics are raw and a little painful, not just for me but for the others involved as well. Do I have the right to tell these stories? Or am I a secret-keeper, bound to silence?
I don’t think these questions have clear answers, at least not for me, not yet. I am still sitting with that. But while I am sitting, I am also listening. Yesterday, a stranger on Instagram shared one of my posts, a poem, and she hashtagged it #healing and #traumarecovery. Somehow, she saw me, she felt what my poem was about, she said it gave her hope. Which made me burst into tears.
Because it’s true- my story is one of trauma and one of healing. One of trauma recovery. It’s also a story I wouldn’t trade for anything, because my experiences made me who I am- someone whose heart has been cracked open, someone who is learning how to care for her tender heart, to be soft in a world that can be hard.
The truth is I want to be seen. And I want to touch others’ hearts. And I know, deep down, that these two things go together. When I think of authors and speakers and artists whose work moves me and touches me deeply, in every case it is because they are honest and authentic and willing to share their dark along with their light.
I’ll probably be sharing a lot more of myself in my newsletter than on my blog, because it feels more intimate. You can sign up by clicking here.
And as always, much love to each and every one of you,
angela
One Thousand Shades of Joy 